Ever since I can remember I can recall my mother talking about her days as a worker in a restaurant. She instilled in me to never work on Sundays because that's when all the assholes come out. You know mothers are ALWAYS right (god dammit). But in this case my mother was wrong because with my experience assholes come to my work everyday of the week. There is all different kinda of assholes so because I am not the type of person to be lazy and not write out each individual type I am going to do so. These are the assholes I've met while I was a hostess.
The ignoring the host stand asshole: These are the type of people that have no regard at all for the host stand. Theres a podium, a sign that's says "Please Wait to be Seated", menus, and most of the time there is a flippin host standing there! Why do they completely ignore these ever present "stop" signs and continue to walk their ass into the restaurant. Then they proceed to stand in the middle of it and look around like a dear in the headlights because they cant seem to understand why no ones come up to them. Well HELLO look outside those glass doors there I am! I'm here to seat you and or take your name. That's another thing I don't understand the ones that for some odd reason cant see the crowd of people waiting for their table. You know I greet everyone that walks past me and when people walk by me and go on inside I always just assume that they have a good reason, like picking up a to-go, getting some coffee, or going to sit at the bar. Sadly only a small percentage of the people that walk past me are those people. While hosting I encounter another breed of host ignoring asshole. This particular species has no regard for anyone or anything around them. They refuse to believe that if there isn't a person at the "Please Wait to be Seated" sign all of a sudden doesn't apply. Ok the sign is what is supposed to make you stop. wait (verd): stay where one is or delay action until a particular time or until something else happens . I donut understand what makes you so inclined to just walk inside. It's not like it's snowing we're in Southern California. It's fine outside. So along with these people flying by the host stand they also seat themselves. This becomes a problem when they sit there and wonder why no one has come up to them. This however is their fault. For a server to know that the guest is new and needs to be greeted the host places a white piece of paper on the table along with menus. When they seat themselves they have none of these items. So tell me smart patron how are we supposed to know. Ok yes half the time we watch them do it and enjoy letting them sweat a little but most of the time its just fucking irritating. Because someone always gets bitched at because of something that was entirely not their fault.
The get me 15 different sides and I'll make you get them in 15 trips asshole: Now as a host I happen to run into this person quite a lot. I'm sure as a server they run into them way more. They always ask you when you're right in the middle of something and when you don't move right after they tell you they look at you like if you don't move right that second the world would end. You know I understand sometimes you forget stuff when you ask for something the first time but come on after the second time you should of gotten everything. I ran into one lady who watched me fill her coffee then said it was too full so I had to go dump some out them I came back and she said it needed more again then she watched me yet again and at no point in time during the pouring did she say "when" then she once again said it was too full so at that point I just said,"how full do you want it?" I mean fuck lady. Are you going to die if you take a sip of coffee and make room for your cream that way? SUCK IT UP. You're not drinking dog shit its a cup of semi black coffee. After that she ask me for napkins, then ketchup, then mustard, then if I had some coarse sea salt. Mind you her server was about two feet away from her the whole time. At anyone of those times she could of called him over but no. She's a stupid bitch. Do yourself a favor people. When you get your food look at it and think about everything you may need. Then your server or host can get it for you in one trip not 7.
The "I didn't hear you call my name" asshole: Ok ok ok. You don't know how many times I have met this asshole. Apart of the Saturday and Sunday morning breakfast crowd you usually have to put your name on the list. When your table is up I yell your name. I'm not kidding when I say yell. I've had people come outta stores 3 doors down saying how they were glad I could yell so well. So I know it goes the distance. But then I get these people who I yell their name a total of 3 times. Then they'll come up to me 10 minutes later, "where is our table?!" they'll tell me their name and I'll say "oh I called you already" then in an angry tone they always say, "I was sitting right there and I didn't hear you call me" and a that moment in my head all I think is "well that's not my fucking problem that neither of you can hear very well or at all for that matter seeing as you were only 4 feet away" I'm the first to admit that you really do need to memorize the face with names because it makes your job a whole lot easier but sometimes it gets so crazy or you'll have about 15 groups of Asian couples and families come in one right after the other and you just forget who's who. Tip: Listen for your name. When you come up put down YOUR name not you friends. Those people always forget they put their friends name and their friends always assume their friend put in there own name so when their name is called they don't think to think its even them.
The spelling their name asshole: Ok people. Here's a little bit of English grammar trivia. Kristyn and Kristin, Carol and Karol, Anne and Ann, Jeff and Geoff, Tylor and Tyler ALL ARE PRONOUNCED THE SAME!!!!!!! When I write down your name I'm just writing it down for me to yell. Its not going to matter how I spell it as long as it sounds the same. I don't yell Kristyn with a Y. Like I understand you want to feel like the prince of Persia but I could really give a shit how you spell your name. So please take a giant ten steps back away from my podium and don't stand there and wait for me to correct it because if you do the only thing I'll be doing is writing your name on the list after these ten people behind you. Tip: Be nice to the host. Not too nice but respectful. She controls you up until the servers get to you. Say your name and how many people and if you have a preference state it then.
The inside or outside mute asshole: These people I just don't get what so ever. When a person comes up to the host stand I ask them a series of questions. 1. Your name 2. How many are in your party 3. Inside outside or first available. Its at this question where people for forget how to talk. I don't know if I just have thrown too many questions at them or if they're confused but I always get these people who just shake their head. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Ive given you three possible choices and you shake your head at me. I do not understand your weird tribal sign language that you're clearly speaking right now. So I then repeat "which one, inside outside or first available?" They then will say "yes" YES WHAT!!!!! Can you just put a sentence together for me PLEASE! For fuck sake is it really that hard to say one of those choices back to me? I think not. Tip: Just say what you want. I'm not a mind reader okay? I'm not. So please just form a god damn sentence for both our sakes.
The mind changing asshole: Now more times then not I run into this one. Usually its a group or cackling old ladies or bitchy Newport moms with their mess making babies. I'll sit them down at what I consider to be a nice table and they'll look at it with disgust and say how bout that table so I look at it in horror and say "SURE!" Then I proceed to pick up everything and move it the two feet to the new table. Then I'll have one stupid person go "well wait what about that one" Of course this for some reason will be the only table in the whole place that is covered in shit. They always make a joke like, "all these clean tables and we want the only dirty one ha ha" Yea ladies HARDY FUCKIN HAR. You clearly don't feel bad about it because if you did you would just sit down at the table you are at. If I told them the food tastes the same at every table I don't think they'd even think to believe me.
The mess making baby asshole: Yes, I did just call a baby an asshole. Honestly I know its not the child it's the parents but I don't really care. Who are you to let your baby dump out all the sugar packets and pour out all the sugar onto the table. I do not feel like picking up your child's sugar zen garden that he or she is playing in. SERIOUSLY SHOW SOME RESPECT. I also don't get the ones who bring cheerios or goldfish. I HATE THOSE. They throw them everywhere and everybody that passes their table steps on the floor creating a mess of goldfish and cheerio road kill that I have to clean up all because your lazy ass doesn't want to parent properly. I DON'T COME TO YOUR WORK AT SHIT ON YOUR DESK. So please start controlling your child and quit letting him throw his shit everywhere.
Hallelujah.
